Missing You

  I'm having the hardest time adjusting to every day life again. I've been home for 4 days and it feels like I've been missing Nicaragua for months now. What is this void that I'm feeling? Is this the stamp that those precious children left on my heart? Or is this God telling me to go nurture the piece of my heart that was left in Nicaragua? I wouldn't be upset at all if He told me to go back.
  I feel like a completely different person. As if God gave me a new pair of eyes to view life through along with new perspective, heart, and cravings. My every decision is based on who I am because of who they changed me into being. I seek things now that I never before knew my heart longed for. Though my soul is at peace, my hands at feet are anxious to move again in His name. Have I found my identity? 

Day seven

  Oh my, today was nothing short of amazing but absolutely heart breaking. We started our day out at the cancer hospital where we got to visit with the kids and their families. We gave lots of little gifts to the kids which left them with smiles that are forever engraved in my mind. Also, we got to pray with the kids and families which was so special. I wish you all could have seen the beautiful children smile as their bodies were lifeless in their hospital beds. God is faithful, and I believe he will do great work in those children. This experience broke us all, but there was something so beautiful about it. These children have it so much "worse" than we do in the US, but yet they carry a genuine smile easier than we do even with cancer. Let that sink in for a moment... what are you crying about? Materialistic things don't mean anything anymore. I want to be like these children, rich in life and love. The rest doesn't phase me anymore.
  After the hospital we went back to the school for a community event pastor Wayne was holding. Our team walked the dirt roads to invite the community to come worship the Lord with us. This might have been one of my favorite moments of the trip. Just being one with the people of Nicaragua. Stepping to their door steps to invite them to worship our beautiful God. The event was an amazing turn out ! It was packed with beautiful people and it was nice meeting some of the parents and also so hard not to be angry at some of the others for the stories that were shared with me.
  This was also our last night with the kids from pastor Wayne's school. We were all heart broken to have to say our goodbyes. The kids cling ed to us refusing to let go. Tears were falling shamelessly and not only from the sweet children. Eryka and I had formed such a strong bond. Our heart instantly linked and having to say goodbye was like going through heartbreak. She held me so tight that I could feel her little fingertips in my back. Her tears soaked my shirt as she begged me not to leave. My first thoughts were "this is so unfair", "how can this be happening", "why would God allow us to get this close just to leave", but I know now. These kids NEEDED to feel love. They needed people to love on them, kiss them, hold them, pray with them, ect. They needed Jesus present so God sent his soldiers to do his work in his name. I fell madly in love with these sweet angels. Now a huge piece of my heart is left in Nicaragua and that's okay. I don't want it back, but I will return to maintain it.

Day six

Today we spent the day at the beach for our sabbath. It was absolutely gorgeous!!!

At night things started to get a little spiritual. I was in conversation with my friend and teammate about evil things we have witnessed in our lives and also about the government here in Nicaragua. The president's wife is a witch. I say that with all seriousness. This place has so many curses being spoken into it, and we are here to speak it out of the lives we come across. We knew coming into this that we could possibly experience some serious spiritual warfare, and I did.
  I came back to my room and woke up the best prayer warrior I know, my roommate Starr. I asked her to pray with me as I was seeing things that weren't welcome. To keep this short (if you're interested in the longer version, meet with me)during prayer the energy in the room changed and the lights were going crazy in the room. I know there was something in our presence. It was and still is unwelcome. It is gone and to never return again. The enemy hates what we are doing here, but God loves it. Keep me in your prayers as I am still trying to get through this.

Thanks !!

Day 5

Today was too emotional for me to relive it all to write it here. All I will say, is that about 20 kids gave their lives to God today. The looks on the sobbing faces were beautiful. Today they are free from generational curses, fear, sin, and so much more.

Learning today what the kids go through on a daily basis at home angers me. The physical, sexual, mental abuse has to stop. These kids deserve to be kids ! Please pray for them.

Day four

The enemy really doesn't want me here. He's made that very clear. So many events leading up to this trip made that obvious, but he didn't stop there. I'm not well today physically, and mentally he's trying to win me over as well by reminding me of all the reasons I've failed before. He won't win this time because I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up this experience. I have a mark that needs to be left here and I will do it. Fear is a liar ! I am not a failure, I am not weak, I am not going down again.

Pray for me.

Day three

Today's word is Joy.

  Immediately after the gates opened, we saw from the windows of our bus multiple faces filled with excitement and genuine joy. Little kids stomping their feet without control. The core of their excitement? Our arrival. I was the first off the bus and I was greeted with an abundance of hugs and smiling faces. In that moment I wished that God had blessed me with much longer arms so that I could hug more children at a time.
  Today we focused on repainting the large walls that separated Pastor Waynes school from the world outside of it. During debrief tonight, one of my team members mentioned the truth about the school being an oasis. Life outside of those walls seems so sad, troubled, and to some extent evil. The second you enter those walls you become overwhelmed with joy and love. The type of joy and love that we easily take advantage of on a daily basis back home. This wall became very symbolic to us all by the end of the day. We compared our work to the works that were done in the bible (I'll add scripture later ). This wall brought us all together as a team. We work so well together even if some of us were just strangers not long ago. Our hearts are for God and we are all here for the same reason, because He sent us to serve. It was brought to our attention that many of us have our very own walls in our hearts. Walls keeping us from entering the oasis that God created and molded perfectly for us to live in eternally. It's very similar to the outside of the kid's oasis, sad.
  It's not far into this trip and I already know my heart has been made new. This doesn't come smoothly as the enemy hates what we are doing here, but I am confident in our journey as a team. God is doing great work here, in all different areas.

Today's highlight: walking up to a class room and seeing all of the kids rise from their seats and in English say "God bless you". (Of course I recorded it)

Day two

Today we had church at Pastor Waynes school. My heart was broken repeatedly in all the right places. The things my eyes have witnessed are impossible to explain right now as I am drowning in emotion. My pictures will make you understand.

So sorry for a short post, please be understanding of the fact that my mind and heart are both very heavy.

Day One

Entry from my journal during my flight to Atlanta:

Seeing Things In a Different Perspective

Leading up to this trip I've been confused with different emotions that never seemed to add up to one another. I wasn't sure what was expected of me from God, the people I will meet in Nicaragua, and myself. Well, now that I'm thousands of feet in the air, I see things in a different perspective. Taking off was an experience in its own. First, you slowly make your way down one runway then just as you get your heart prepared to take off (while trying not to freak out because I like feeling the ground) you take a turn or two that leads you to yet another runway. Only this time it doesn't look or feel the same. After the very few seconds you have to prepare yourself again, you then hit full speed and start to notice the difference in time between each crack in the runway and all of a sudden you don't feel them anymore. In a matter of seconds I'm looking out the window at everything that once seemed so big, now so small. Is this God's perspective?  Is there something he's trying to tell me? Probably  !

11:51 pm
Today has been filled with lots of traveling. I'm physically and mentally drained. I met amazing people on the way here, and for that I am thankful. The people here are beautiful. Our flight landed at about 9 pm and we got picked up by our driver in a bus and taken to our hotel. After check in my roomie convinced me that we NEEDED to unpack before we could meet the group downstairs for a late dinner. Dinner was great, I enjoyed my bottled water and now I need sleep. Church in the morning either at Hosanna or at the school.

Goodnight! !

Prayer requests: for good rest, open hearts, my roomie Starr's OCD, patience for me, and rest for Lance (he looks dead), broken hearts that need healing annnnd that's all for now. Thanks !! 

Waiting..

Sitting here in the airport waiting on our delayed flight, gives me no other choice but to think. Thinking about who I will come across, what God has waiting for me, and who I will be when I return. My "travel pal" asked me how I was feeling about this trip, I told her I didn't know how to feel. I don't know what is acceptable and what I SHOULD be feeling. I'm not even sure if the butterflies are due to nervousness or hunger because I haven't eaten all day. Thankfully, I'm not alone. She "feels" the same way. We are both hopeful that once we get there, everything will come to us in an instant.

And the waiting continues...

Six Days

In just six days I will be embarking on a trip to Nicaragua. I have so many emotions running from the tips of my fingers all throughout every inch of my body. I get this strong tingle in my tummy when I try to think of what's to come, because I'm clueless. These past few weeks I have been battling some inner demons which I strongly believe play an enormous part as to why I feel as if I am not ready for this trip. At the end of the day, I know who I am only because I know who I belong to. With this settled in concrete at the center my heart, I know that the second I set foot into this country, I will be filled with purpose, vision, and willpower to complete the mission that God has set me out to do. Until then, every bit of prayer that you could pour out on me is very much needed. Please, please don't stop praying until I have completed my mission successfully. 

In Managua, we will be spending our time in an orphanage as well as in a hospital with children who suffer from Leukemia. I cannot imagine the work God will be doing in all of our lives in these situations. The famous question I've been asked repeatedly is "how will you cope with seeing children in these circumstances?" The answer is this; I have no idea. I know my heart will be broken, and as of right now I have no idea how I will keep it together and what I could possibly have to offer these children. What I do know, is that I serve an all knowing, awesome, loving, powerful, restoring, miraculous God and HE KNOWS how he is going to use me. That alone brings my soul to peace.  

All I have to do is show up with an open heart